Alvin Lai

Ever been in a situation where you're with a group and suddenly everyone starts talking about an unpopular person?

"He's a good guy, but someone needs to tell him how how insensitive he can get".

*or*

"He's a great leader, but he needs to better his people management skills".

And most of the time, no one wants to play the bad guy in letting the poor guy know about it..

It's only human nature, living in a high-context Asian culture doesn't help too.

Think about the potential

Ever wondered what kind of information went around you, stuff that you really need to know but no one is willing to tell?

Questions like:

• What dumb, avoidable things do I constantly do?

• What disturbing or even hurtful behaviours I have displayed that I do not even know about?

What a better and self-aware person I would be if I got to know a fraction of all those unspoken truths about myself.

So what can I do about it?

Blogger Scot Berkun has a blog post on how to better access these unspoken truths about yourself and I think it's pretty well rounded up.

In short, 4 points:

1. Ask for it - you have to start at some point and you have to make the first move and graciously handle and evaluate everything that ensues.

2. Reward those who give it - other than family, it's very rare to have friends who tell you things no one else will say. Go out of the way to emphasize how important you value this quality and reward them for their feedback.

3. Act on it - If someone goes all out to risk his limbs and friendship to express his frank opinions then see nothing happen, they're unlikely to take that risk again since advice has fallen on deaf ears. If you can act on the advice, even in a small way, you would have built a stronger relationship with that person.

4. Make a pact - reciprocation works best and having a pact in place to try and tell the other person what they should hear works wonders.

In the end, humility and graciousness gets you reaping the most :)